It's summer in Bombay. Sultry heat. Bombay excites me. But now I want to get away. And it depresses me that I just can't get away - there are unfinished tasks and unrealised dreams. I can't get away.
I was spending just another evening with my friend M, wiling away, ruminating and sharing the frustrations of the day. This is my routine now. During our usual rendezvous where M and I shift back and forth in time and space and bring alive the moments of the past and even the future, my thoughts strayed. My thoughts strayed without my permission and went and anchored on a goat. A beautiful goat that I owned once upon a time during a summer. A nameless goat which looked like a deer. It was a beautiful summer. Hot, but not sultry. And I was too young then to know about unfinished tasks and unrealised dreams.
M is always fascinated by the goat episode in my life. She makes me talk about it often, which I enjoy too. M and I inhabit different worlds, and I wonder if there is anything common between us. M has not even gone near a goat, let alone own one! But when I talk about my world which had goats, hens, nosy neighbours, irritant relatives, muddy paths, dusty busrides and all those mundane things which would make a perfect village life, she always listens and nods as if she really understands. She's in Bombay and she wants to get away too. She too has got unfinished tasks and unrealised dreams. I guess that's what binds us together.
My goat. M asked if it was male or female. It was a female goat. Did it really matter? She's always after such irrelevant details. Or maybe, it mattered to her.
My father had bought the goat for four hundred and fifty rupees. And this transaction made me the owner and the goat was bound to accept it. I loved the fact that I owned it. I took pride in taking care of it. It gave me a certain sense of the grown-up, adult world. . . where people take pride in owning others. I used to carry the goat around as if it was a great privilege for it. I still remember its eyes. Helpless. I am a goat, I want to run around, why don't you put me down. But I owned it. I had the right to carry it.
The goat loved my mom and I think my mom even knew what it wanted. But I never saw a relationship grow between them. Maybe, my mother was too old to think about owning a goat, and taking pride in it. Or maybe, she knew very well that being owned is after all not a privilege.
Everyone knew about my goat. It had black spots which made it look like a deer. It was not like the other goats; I could spot it even from a distance, when it was grazing with the other goats. The other nameless goats in a herd. My goat was never part of a herd. It was a part of me. I think I never allowed it to grow beyond me. I had even willingly given up the holiday at my grandma's to be with the goat, to take care of it, to feed it. I remember, it was my first ever responsible relationship, where I held the strings, I called the shots, I made the plans and I was the owner.
Two months and summer was over. I was supposed to give up my goat. The deal was over. I cried. I begged. We then sold it for four hundred rupees. The relationship that began with a transaction ended with one. With a loss of fifty rupees. I wept, I sulked . . . and then, I forgot. Now looking back, rushing back through those seasons that I had left behind, I remember it again . . . and I miss it. And it hurts me even more that it's not the goat that I miss more. . . I miss my own old self . . . I miss those summers . . . I miss my life.
And yet, and yet, I laughed with M when she remarked with her characteristic casual callousness that someone must have killed and eaten it long back. I laughed with M. But something within me bled. I suddenly wanted to hold my goat again. . . just one last time.
--Virtually Yours
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Looking back I can see the five long years unfolding before me, reel by reel, like an unedited movie. From the then to the now. As if I have jumped in time.
Do I want to go back and start all over again? No, I don't. I know, I don't. I cannot afford to give up the fears, the anxieties, the frustrations, the uncertainties, the terrors. . . that I have known and learnt to deal with. Knowing them was like knowing me. There is a bit of myself in every one of those moments and feelings.
I am handcuffed to those moments. Without them I won't be. They are me.
--Virtually Yours
Do I want to go back and start all over again? No, I don't. I know, I don't. I cannot afford to give up the fears, the anxieties, the frustrations, the uncertainties, the terrors. . . that I have known and learnt to deal with. Knowing them was like knowing me. There is a bit of myself in every one of those moments and feelings.
I am handcuffed to those moments. Without them I won't be. They are me.
--Virtually Yours
Choices
He woke up and he was dead.
She wanted to wake up too
so that she could die with him.
I knew it.
I held her tight and rocked her
into a deep sleep
from which she never wanted be woken up.
I am awake. I can never sleep again.
She knew it.
She wanted to wake up too
so that she could die with him.
I knew it.
I held her tight and rocked her
into a deep sleep
from which she never wanted be woken up.
I am awake. I can never sleep again.
She knew it.
Nothing
This nothingness frightens me.
It brings back memories.
This darkness kills me.
It brings back reminders.
I want to run away
to a world without nothing, without memories
where you and me can forget each other.
And become one.
There is nothing, again.
It brings back memories.
This darkness kills me.
It brings back reminders.
I want to run away
to a world without nothing, without memories
where you and me can forget each other.
And become one.
There is nothing, again.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Back from exile... Now warming up...
I was so excited when I began blogging - and see how the enthusiasm weaned away! A silence of some 3 months!! Well, 3 months is a pretty long time and lots have happened in life. I really want to get back and continue writing about those 'lots'! Guess I need a little bit of warming-up before I get on the track, all steady and running. So, am launching right away with some sporadic, random stuff...
2009 has started on many a positive note and I'm basking in them and looking ahead for more! Life hasn't changed drastically for me but I think I have shifted my perspective a little and broadened my horizons. I'm trying to do a whole lot of things together at the risk of performing some really clumsy tasks; nevertheless, it is leaving me happy and contented!
My friend always says that my room is like some 'Bharat Circus camp' - the furniture is never permanent the stuff keep running all around the room! Well, I'd rather take it as a compliment! Another one says it is like a museum - I loved it!! My husband says with a frown, it is like getting lost in Jurassic Park - a comment made in bad taste so I'm not taking it at all! Another equally distasteful fellow wonders, how do you even live here - she's out of the list! Well, I love my room and I love it crowded - gives me a sense of being lived-in. I have a tendency to hoard things - and I'm trying to shake off that habit, at least a little! Hey, wait a minute - my room IS crowded, it's also well-maintained!! :) Btw, why am I talking about this here?? Whatever!!
I had a lovely and very different birthday this year - had a bunch of friends around and had some great coffee-time together instead of the same old cake-cutting blahblah! However, the significant other of my life forgot the day, as always!! Big deal!!Well, I'm not good at dates and gifts either - whoever said women cared about dates and gifts needs a reorientation!
Got a lot of things in my mind and can't decide when and where to begin! Maybe, I should come back tomorrow and start afresh??
As I sign off, want to leave with you a piece of dialogue from Slumdog Millionnaire that refuses to get out of my brain - "You are on a dream run!"
--Virtually Yours
2009 has started on many a positive note and I'm basking in them and looking ahead for more! Life hasn't changed drastically for me but I think I have shifted my perspective a little and broadened my horizons. I'm trying to do a whole lot of things together at the risk of performing some really clumsy tasks; nevertheless, it is leaving me happy and contented!
My friend always says that my room is like some 'Bharat Circus camp' - the furniture is never permanent the stuff keep running all around the room! Well, I'd rather take it as a compliment! Another one says it is like a museum - I loved it!! My husband says with a frown, it is like getting lost in Jurassic Park - a comment made in bad taste so I'm not taking it at all! Another equally distasteful fellow wonders, how do you even live here - she's out of the list! Well, I love my room and I love it crowded - gives me a sense of being lived-in. I have a tendency to hoard things - and I'm trying to shake off that habit, at least a little! Hey, wait a minute - my room IS crowded, it's also well-maintained!! :) Btw, why am I talking about this here?? Whatever!!
I had a lovely and very different birthday this year - had a bunch of friends around and had some great coffee-time together instead of the same old cake-cutting blahblah! However, the significant other of my life forgot the day, as always!! Big deal!!Well, I'm not good at dates and gifts either - whoever said women cared about dates and gifts needs a reorientation!
Got a lot of things in my mind and can't decide when and where to begin! Maybe, I should come back tomorrow and start afresh??
As I sign off, want to leave with you a piece of dialogue from Slumdog Millionnaire that refuses to get out of my brain - "You are on a dream run!"
--Virtually Yours
Friday, November 14, 2008
Feast on your life!!
I'm not much of a poetry person. Nevertheless, came across this one by Derek Walcott - and I quite liked it!
The time will come
When, with elation,
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror,
And each will smile at the other's welcome,
And say, sit here, Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you
All your life, whom you ignored
For another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
The photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
~ Derek Walcott ~
Loved it!! Yes, Feast on your life! And, let me add, "don't crib when you have to share the dessert"!!
--Virtually Yours
The time will come
When, with elation,
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror,
And each will smile at the other's welcome,
And say, sit here, Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you
All your life, whom you ignored
For another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
The photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
~ Derek Walcott ~
Loved it!! Yes, Feast on your life! And, let me add, "don't crib when you have to share the dessert"!!
--Virtually Yours
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The story of my life . . .
If I were to write the story of my life, how would I write it? Whose story is it going to be, where would I begin it and what on earth would I write?? I believe every individual inhabit different worlds in a lifetime; at least I do! Some of these worlds run parallel and they never meet while some converge at certain points to become one. My story can't begin at the beginning... I believe in narratives which begin in media res. There is some kind of mystery and romance in the stories which don't have any beginning, don't you think so?
Ah yes, getting back to the story (or stories?) of my life... it's redundant, repetitive, but with a unique sense of intermittent ennui and ecstasy almost throughout! Did my story begin when I was born, or did it begin when I grew up enough to construct my own story or is it yet to begin? Well, who cares, anyways.
I would like to believe that my story began when I first touched fear! But don't ask me when that was - I've no clue! I don't remember what my first fear was... but one of the first fears was that of going to school and finding that none of 'my' friends had turned up that day! I think that's a fear that just refused to leave me... I still get a moment of nervous breakdown when I find that 'my' things and 'my' people are not around me! I'm trying really hard to break out of this 'my-my' feeling but it continues to cling to me like a five year old who fusses every morning before school!
My story began when I learnt to edit my own life before friends, strangers, and even family. I don't know if you had done that too, but yeah, I definitely did. I edited certain parts of it to be used later, to be just quarantined into oblivion, or even to re-edit and project again. I loved it when I edited my emotions! Even today, I edit my own life - even when I don't like it, even when I know I don't have to do it anymore. . .
My story began when I realized that the Almighty is the author of my life, that every moment bears His signature! It was like a watermark in the page of life - always already there even when I'm least conscious of it. His presence filtered the fears and monitored the editing in ways that I could never imagine. Around the same time, I met this man . . . a carpenter's son who was born in a manger, who went on to change the course of history and many lives for centuries to come. He changed me too, took charge of my life and there began a new life, a new story which He will bring into completion. And, now I don't care if the story of my life is half-written or even unwritten - He IS there and that says it all.
At the end of the day, I guess I have neither the concentration nor the linear thinking to put a story in place! And, you know what, I can never write a story. . . people like me would be forever running behind the different stories that could have been rather than sticking to the story that IS. But trust me, the story of my life will go on . . . into eternity, with the ONE who holds my tomorrow!!
Till we meet again on that beautiful shore. . .
--Virtually Yours
Ah yes, getting back to the story (or stories?) of my life... it's redundant, repetitive, but with a unique sense of intermittent ennui and ecstasy almost throughout! Did my story begin when I was born, or did it begin when I grew up enough to construct my own story or is it yet to begin? Well, who cares, anyways.
I would like to believe that my story began when I first touched fear! But don't ask me when that was - I've no clue! I don't remember what my first fear was... but one of the first fears was that of going to school and finding that none of 'my' friends had turned up that day! I think that's a fear that just refused to leave me... I still get a moment of nervous breakdown when I find that 'my' things and 'my' people are not around me! I'm trying really hard to break out of this 'my-my' feeling but it continues to cling to me like a five year old who fusses every morning before school!
My story began when I learnt to edit my own life before friends, strangers, and even family. I don't know if you had done that too, but yeah, I definitely did. I edited certain parts of it to be used later, to be just quarantined into oblivion, or even to re-edit and project again. I loved it when I edited my emotions! Even today, I edit my own life - even when I don't like it, even when I know I don't have to do it anymore. . .
My story began when I realized that the Almighty is the author of my life, that every moment bears His signature! It was like a watermark in the page of life - always already there even when I'm least conscious of it. His presence filtered the fears and monitored the editing in ways that I could never imagine. Around the same time, I met this man . . . a carpenter's son who was born in a manger, who went on to change the course of history and many lives for centuries to come. He changed me too, took charge of my life and there began a new life, a new story which He will bring into completion. And, now I don't care if the story of my life is half-written or even unwritten - He IS there and that says it all.
At the end of the day, I guess I have neither the concentration nor the linear thinking to put a story in place! And, you know what, I can never write a story. . . people like me would be forever running behind the different stories that could have been rather than sticking to the story that IS. But trust me, the story of my life will go on . . . into eternity, with the ONE who holds my tomorrow!!
Till we meet again on that beautiful shore. . .
--Virtually Yours
Friday, July 18, 2008
When too less is too much. . .
Thought I was through with everything - but how naive of me to think so! My 'been there done that' attitude has been nothing but a facade! I can't believe that I'm not yet ready for realities when they are right on my face. Hey woman, where is your self-composure and why are you so vulnerable? Strange! Well. . . enough of whining!
The significant someone of my life is celebrating his birthday - and I'm not with him. No big deal, I know, but still it IS big deal!! Anyways, distance is not measured in yards but heartbeats! :-)
Life is a bumpy ride as always but it falls into rhythm so surprisingly soon. I bet you agree!
--Virtually Yours
The significant someone of my life is celebrating his birthday - and I'm not with him. No big deal, I know, but still it IS big deal!! Anyways, distance is not measured in yards but heartbeats! :-)
Life is a bumpy ride as always but it falls into rhythm so surprisingly soon. I bet you agree!
--Virtually Yours
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The Meritocracy Myth
Goodness! I'm sick and tired of all those voices and high brow attitudes which keep criticizing and lamenting the Reservation process. (Remember, the well-wishers are concerned only about the caste reservations - the rest is well with the world) Well, as for me, I don't have the audacity to say that I am meritorious and the rest of the world is not! And, how on earth can anyone say that she or he is carrying the burden of the entire nation's merit! Boy, that's just another version of the 'white man's burden'. As long we don't have a level playing ground merit is just a farce. And, hello, how are we defining merit now? Isn't it just a score or percentile or percentage or the Queen's lingo? How can we subscribe to such a narrow perception of merit and right away argue that the ones who don't have a certain score or the ones who can't get their diphthongs right are not meritorious like the others?!
-- Virtually Yours
-- Virtually Yours
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Through these tears... I can see better!
Life is a long cathartic process and relationships are the real tests. I just underwent a catharsis, which I believe, should have, could have happened much much earlier. But then, as they say, there is a time for everything under the sun. Just when I was beginning to wonder 'Why me?' a picture perfect situation emerged - so much like a silver lining in the clouds (I know it is a cliched usage but I myself am a cliched individual who pretends to be unique)!
I still do not have the answers for everything but I know that not having answers need not be disastrous. I still am confused but I know that confusions are inevitable. I still hesitate, I still pause, I still procrastinate... but I can reach out through the hesitations and pauses and procrastinations. I still smile with a frown but I'm glad that I smile. And, I learn again that life never stops teaching you. The better the learner, the harder the lessons!
Tears are precious and they let you come out clean through the catharsis. I'm blessed with lots of people around me who can make me happy and laugh out loud; am forever grateful for their presence. But there are a few, very few, who know what makes me cry - and they are the ones who are the dearest to me, who hold my hands through life, who I know will never let go... They have always cared enough to break through the walls that I had put up. They got hurt too while trying to bring the walls down. I saw them hurting and bleeding but I wanted to ignore . . . This goes out for them... to let them know that I was not being callous or selfish ... just plain scared! Thanks for staying through my fear.
--Yours Virtually
I still do not have the answers for everything but I know that not having answers need not be disastrous. I still am confused but I know that confusions are inevitable. I still hesitate, I still pause, I still procrastinate... but I can reach out through the hesitations and pauses and procrastinations. I still smile with a frown but I'm glad that I smile. And, I learn again that life never stops teaching you. The better the learner, the harder the lessons!
Tears are precious and they let you come out clean through the catharsis. I'm blessed with lots of people around me who can make me happy and laugh out loud; am forever grateful for their presence. But there are a few, very few, who know what makes me cry - and they are the ones who are the dearest to me, who hold my hands through life, who I know will never let go... They have always cared enough to break through the walls that I had put up. They got hurt too while trying to bring the walls down. I saw them hurting and bleeding but I wanted to ignore . . . This goes out for them... to let them know that I was not being callous or selfish ... just plain scared! Thanks for staying through my fear.
--Yours Virtually
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Jaane tu . . .
I agree - the same old familiar love story, typically the next-door type! But I love familiar stories and they help me feel familiar with the life around me. There is a vast corpus of reviews floating around and I don't want to add to the junk ... so hold on, this is not just another review! Just loved that easy camaraderie!
I would have loved to have received a dramatic proposal at the airport - at least at the railway station. But am yet to meet someone who found their love right at the time of take-off! Anyways, am not much for realism in movies or in any form of art and I love the world of fantasy which I may never get access to.
Just the other day I had a really heavy discourse on romance and passion with a close friend of mine. Well, it had a tinge of academics (don't yawn, please) . . . At the end of it I realized that I find it embarrassing to admit that I'm a romantic (or am I?). At some level, do I still think that the romantic and the intellectual cannot go together? I really don't know!
Though no one has sung 'Jaane tu' to me at the airport (not yet, I mean) I still flutter at least for a moment, when the phone rings -- or when I'm waiting for it to ring! And, my heart still races when I wait for the flight to land or the train to arrive! And, the thoughts which bring a smile to my face have not yet faded either! So, do these signs tell you something??!!
--Virtually Yours
I would have loved to have received a dramatic proposal at the airport - at least at the railway station. But am yet to meet someone who found their love right at the time of take-off! Anyways, am not much for realism in movies or in any form of art and I love the world of fantasy which I may never get access to.
Just the other day I had a really heavy discourse on romance and passion with a close friend of mine. Well, it had a tinge of academics (don't yawn, please) . . . At the end of it I realized that I find it embarrassing to admit that I'm a romantic (or am I?). At some level, do I still think that the romantic and the intellectual cannot go together? I really don't know!
Though no one has sung 'Jaane tu' to me at the airport (not yet, I mean) I still flutter at least for a moment, when the phone rings -- or when I'm waiting for it to ring! And, my heart still races when I wait for the flight to land or the train to arrive! And, the thoughts which bring a smile to my face have not yet faded either! So, do these signs tell you something??!!
--Virtually Yours
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
From someone who delights in owning you!
I spend hours staring at half-baked word documents, which would ultimately form a big black book called 'thesis' or 'dissertation'! Just a thought... If I were to create a love-note, how do you think I'd fare? Try this out!!
So badly want to let you know that no matter how long we live, or how less we live; no matter how old we become, or how young we become; no matter how rich we become, or how poor we become; no matter what tragedy strikes us, or what blessings abound our lives; no matter what we become, or how we behave; no matter how angry we are, or how happy we are; no matter how much we fight, or how much we make love; no matter how distant we are, or how close we are; ... we shall never be away from each other's thoughts, we shall never be tired of rushing into each other's arms, we shall never be bored of giving the same kiss or saying the same things over and again... let us never reach a point when enough is enough! Let us have a life ahead where we can find freshness everyday - in our fights, our arguments, our love and in our own selves.
"Love is stronger than death; passion fiercer than grave" (Songs of Solomon 8:6)
This is just a sample... can do better!!! :)
Well, I should be trying hard to fill in my big black book and NOT posting lovebytes which no one would ever read or see...! Am I frustrated with research?? I guess so!
-- Virtually Yours
So badly want to let you know that no matter how long we live, or how less we live; no matter how old we become, or how young we become; no matter how rich we become, or how poor we become; no matter what tragedy strikes us, or what blessings abound our lives; no matter what we become, or how we behave; no matter how angry we are, or how happy we are; no matter how much we fight, or how much we make love; no matter how distant we are, or how close we are; ... we shall never be away from each other's thoughts, we shall never be tired of rushing into each other's arms, we shall never be bored of giving the same kiss or saying the same things over and again... let us never reach a point when enough is enough! Let us have a life ahead where we can find freshness everyday - in our fights, our arguments, our love and in our own selves.
"Love is stronger than death; passion fiercer than grave" (Songs of Solomon 8:6)
This is just a sample... can do better!!! :)
Well, I should be trying hard to fill in my big black book and NOT posting lovebytes which no one would ever read or see...! Am I frustrated with research?? I guess so!
-- Virtually Yours
Friday, June 13, 2008
In anticipation...
The Summer Before the Dark - One of the earliest novels (1973) by Doris Lessing and some say her best. Just got hold of it and dying to read it. But I have a half-baked report which I can't leave mid-way! So, saving it for the train journey next week! Hope it will not disappoint me!
I don't know if am really enjoying my work - but am doing it diligently, at least to meet the deadline decently. Well, I do enjoy certain aspects of it... sometimes!! But am afraid if it is worth all the hardwork and toil. Sometimes I feel, I'd rather take a walk till the lakeside and click some pictures or check out some boring kids playing the same old games! Anyways, work gives you a sense of being useful, I tell myself - but I am yet to find out for whom!
If I were not here (staring at my report) I'd have been doing ... doing what?!! I believe, there's nothing like being at the wrong place at the wrong time. We all are here in the right place, at the right time, with the right people - after all, who am I to post arrogant questions regarding our space and time and existence?!!
--Virtually Yours
I don't know if am really enjoying my work - but am doing it diligently, at least to meet the deadline decently. Well, I do enjoy certain aspects of it... sometimes!! But am afraid if it is worth all the hardwork and toil. Sometimes I feel, I'd rather take a walk till the lakeside and click some pictures or check out some boring kids playing the same old games! Anyways, work gives you a sense of being useful, I tell myself - but I am yet to find out for whom!
If I were not here (staring at my report) I'd have been doing ... doing what?!! I believe, there's nothing like being at the wrong place at the wrong time. We all are here in the right place, at the right time, with the right people - after all, who am I to post arrogant questions regarding our space and time and existence?!!
--Virtually Yours
Am I the only one?
We bloggers are amazing! We continue posting - though we know that half the posts will fade into this virtual oblivion without anyone have read or seen it even once!
But isn't that the same about life as well? One may not always have an audience - but that is no less motivation to continue living!
--Virtually Yours
But isn't that the same about life as well? One may not always have an audience - but that is no less motivation to continue living!
--Virtually Yours
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Take Charge of My Life!
Have you heard the Air Supply Song "Just when I thought I was over you"? Sometimes life is like that. It plays the same old trick on you and catches you unaware just when you think you've finally got over everything. At least I go through this phase quite often - making the same mistakes, hurting the same ones who love and swearing all over again that this is THE last time! Yeah, that's life! But I know, that's no excuse! I'm learning... though very slowly.
I guess I've mellowed down over the years - rather tamed down, I'd say! I no more have strong feelings about those radical views I held. Day by day I'm also realizing that it is my LORD's strength that leads me on - not my confidence, not my merits, not my support systems. I'm also delighting in the serene peace that canopies me when I trust HIM with my life. I've learnt the hard way that I do not have the wisdom, nor the skill, to unfold my life; HE can do it so artistically, so methodically, and so very well.
This Sunday heard about NOT settling with the 'Ishmaels' in life, like Abraham tended to do initially, rather than waiting for the 'Isaac' to come. I had compromised too - with situations, people, values, standards, behaviour, morals... All those compromises had left behind Ishmaels! But the Almighty was so gracious, so mindful and never held back the promised Isaac! Do I have words to describe that perfect work of love and grace!
Yes! The bottom line is - the Battle belongs to the Lord!
-Virtually Yours
I guess I've mellowed down over the years - rather tamed down, I'd say! I no more have strong feelings about those radical views I held. Day by day I'm also realizing that it is my LORD's strength that leads me on - not my confidence, not my merits, not my support systems. I'm also delighting in the serene peace that canopies me when I trust HIM with my life. I've learnt the hard way that I do not have the wisdom, nor the skill, to unfold my life; HE can do it so artistically, so methodically, and so very well.
This Sunday heard about NOT settling with the 'Ishmaels' in life, like Abraham tended to do initially, rather than waiting for the 'Isaac' to come. I had compromised too - with situations, people, values, standards, behaviour, morals... All those compromises had left behind Ishmaels! But the Almighty was so gracious, so mindful and never held back the promised Isaac! Do I have words to describe that perfect work of love and grace!
Yes! The bottom line is - the Battle belongs to the Lord!
-Virtually Yours
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Trying to break the impasse...
I'm dying to get back to this space! But work is keeping me engaged (ahem... ahem.. a decent excuse, I guess!)
Life is moving on, not waiting for me to keep a record of it or bothering whether I had actually made a note of it! That's the beauty of it too, I guess. Learnt a lesson or two in the meanwhile, which I shall be sharing soon, not now. I'm moving ahead too... Isn't it amazing that people change in ways that never cease to surprise you! And, I believe that all changes happen for the better, if not for the best. Nevertheless, certain relationships remain the same, even when people change. To save myself from the danger of getting into another charged discourse on relationships, which by the way is something I love to do, let me get back to work, which is waiting for me in the form of an unfinished word document - that too, a newly downloaded MS 2007!! Boy, I must say, I love it!
Till we meet again in this world of anonymity...
-Virtually Yours
Life is moving on, not waiting for me to keep a record of it or bothering whether I had actually made a note of it! That's the beauty of it too, I guess. Learnt a lesson or two in the meanwhile, which I shall be sharing soon, not now. I'm moving ahead too... Isn't it amazing that people change in ways that never cease to surprise you! And, I believe that all changes happen for the better, if not for the best. Nevertheless, certain relationships remain the same, even when people change. To save myself from the danger of getting into another charged discourse on relationships, which by the way is something I love to do, let me get back to work, which is waiting for me in the form of an unfinished word document - that too, a newly downloaded MS 2007!! Boy, I must say, I love it!
Till we meet again in this world of anonymity...
-Virtually Yours
Monday, April 14, 2008
On top of two wheels - Part One
I'm doing something which I had wanted to do all my life - learning cycling! Very few people know that I was suffering from a major two-wheeler phobia. The very thought of two wheels balancing all by themselves was kind of suspiciously scary. Like all kids I also had a tri-cycle but I don't remember being crazy about my cycle like most kids are. When my friends started learning cycling, I thought I too should. And, my dad was more than willing to teach but I was a pathetic learner and the lessons ended very fast! On that same cycle my brother learnt cycling, without anyone training him at all. I forgot about all that pretty fast as there were more interesting things in life to explore.
I thought about cycling again when my mother learnt to ride a two-wheeler!! And she started going for work on that! Incredible, indeed! But... that also left me with some strange inferiority complex! (I can imagine my mom staring at me, mouth agape, trying to comprehend what I meant... dad, walking away with that subtle smile of his... brother, laughing out aloud... and husband, giving me one of those exasperate looks which can mean a million things that I do not want to describe here now). Anyways, by then it was too late. There was no cycle available, and even if I could get hold of a cycle, no trainer! Dad, will not try again. Brother, would be skeptical. Besides, I was away from home. And, husband, wouldn't even bother! Mom, I know would be extremely encouraging but she can't be a trainer!
I've been here in this vast beautiful campus for more than a year now and I always knew that it was now or never. Mom used to remind me once in a while but I couldn't really bring myself up to ask anyone 'Hey, wanna teach me ride'? Sounded silly... till a close friend started learning! I could feel the adrenalin rush but didn't dare to make the move... till another close friend, who happens to be my coach now, gallantly offered to train me!
Came across this quote and found it perfect for this post:
Consider a man riding a bicycle. Whoever he is, we can say three things about him. We know he got on the bicycle and started to move. We know that at some point he will stop and get off. Most important of all, we know that if at any point between the beginning and the end of his journey he stops moving and does not get off the bicycle he will fall off it. That is a metaphor for the journey through life of any living thing, and I think of any society of living things.
~William Golding
I'm now beginning to see cycles, cyclists, cycling with a new found respect! And, I'm discovering another side of my own self - which may nor may not be worth unveiling, only time can say.
I thought about cycling again when my mother learnt to ride a two-wheeler!! And she started going for work on that! Incredible, indeed! But... that also left me with some strange inferiority complex! (I can imagine my mom staring at me, mouth agape, trying to comprehend what I meant... dad, walking away with that subtle smile of his... brother, laughing out aloud... and husband, giving me one of those exasperate looks which can mean a million things that I do not want to describe here now). Anyways, by then it was too late. There was no cycle available, and even if I could get hold of a cycle, no trainer! Dad, will not try again. Brother, would be skeptical. Besides, I was away from home. And, husband, wouldn't even bother! Mom, I know would be extremely encouraging but she can't be a trainer!
I've been here in this vast beautiful campus for more than a year now and I always knew that it was now or never. Mom used to remind me once in a while but I couldn't really bring myself up to ask anyone 'Hey, wanna teach me ride'? Sounded silly... till a close friend started learning! I could feel the adrenalin rush but didn't dare to make the move... till another close friend, who happens to be my coach now, gallantly offered to train me!
Came across this quote and found it perfect for this post:
Consider a man riding a bicycle. Whoever he is, we can say three things about him. We know he got on the bicycle and started to move. We know that at some point he will stop and get off. Most important of all, we know that if at any point between the beginning and the end of his journey he stops moving and does not get off the bicycle he will fall off it. That is a metaphor for the journey through life of any living thing, and I think of any society of living things.
~William Golding
I'm now beginning to see cycles, cyclists, cycling with a new found respect! And, I'm discovering another side of my own self - which may nor may not be worth unveiling, only time can say.
[To be continued...]
Virtually (and cyclingly) yours
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I'm saying it aloud!!
I love the surprises that life springs upon me! Some of them land with a thud when I least expect them... and I get hurt too. But that doesn't make me love them any less. My biggest and shocking surprises come within packages of relationships. I have seen the biggest of enemies turning into the closest of buddies and the closest of buddies walking away without ever looking back! I have seen people who are less than acquaintances carving out a space for themselves in my life while the ones who were always already there were behaving like strangers. I have borne with people whom I don't care a damn for and I have been indifferent to the ones who cared enough to forgive that indifference. Relationships are the ultimate wonders of life!
Here I go with some rare musings that I can't hold back!
I've been married for three years to the man whom I met six years back and he's yet to give me a reason to regret it! Six years! It's a long time... but he has not ceased to surprise me. Sometimes I surprise myself! Just when I get into this 'I-know-what-it-takes' mode I'll be startled into a new realization and I love it as much as I hate it!
His patience tires me out but he's not yet tired of letting me tire out of it.
He may not be able to turn the world upside down for me, but I know that he'll at least try and shake it a little for me!
He may not know what it takes exactly, but whatever it takes I know that he's there!
He may not always understand how or why I end up in a chaotic mess, but he's there to pull me out, no matter what! And, if he can't pull me out, he jumps in right there with me!!
He may not appreciate when I take the 'wrong' step but he continues to walk with me!
He loves me because.... he loves me! And there is no better or worse reason that can take it away!
When a man loves a woman for what she is, when a man loves a woman in spite of what she is... you know that it is a blessed relationship, a gift from God, that no one can ever destroy. I'm proud to say, I've been blessed abundantly.
Well... perhaps it was way too personal and mushy for public consumption and a little sentimental! But what else do you expect when I'm all set to celebrate three years of our togetherness... and tolerance for each other!
To this couple who stayed put throughout, I propose this post as a toast! Way to go...
--Virtually Yours
Here I go with some rare musings that I can't hold back!
I've been married for three years to the man whom I met six years back and he's yet to give me a reason to regret it! Six years! It's a long time... but he has not ceased to surprise me. Sometimes I surprise myself! Just when I get into this 'I-know-what-it-takes' mode I'll be startled into a new realization and I love it as much as I hate it!
His patience tires me out but he's not yet tired of letting me tire out of it.
He may not be able to turn the world upside down for me, but I know that he'll at least try and shake it a little for me!
He may not know what it takes exactly, but whatever it takes I know that he's there!
He may not always understand how or why I end up in a chaotic mess, but he's there to pull me out, no matter what! And, if he can't pull me out, he jumps in right there with me!!
He may not appreciate when I take the 'wrong' step but he continues to walk with me!
He loves me because.... he loves me! And there is no better or worse reason that can take it away!
When a man loves a woman for what she is, when a man loves a woman in spite of what she is... you know that it is a blessed relationship, a gift from God, that no one can ever destroy. I'm proud to say, I've been blessed abundantly.
Well... perhaps it was way too personal and mushy for public consumption and a little sentimental! But what else do you expect when I'm all set to celebrate three years of our togetherness... and tolerance for each other!
To this couple who stayed put throughout, I propose this post as a toast! Way to go...
--Virtually Yours
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Do You Really Need a Title?
Over the years I have kind of figured out that the mistakes and blunders that I commit are more or less of the same nature! I have never really learnt from my mistakes but I have just learnt how to handle them better and how to wriggle out of them safely without hurting anyone and without getting hurt myself!! (It may not always be a successful attempt, anyways). I know, this sounds rather corny and totally unimpressive and not in the least comforting. The object and objective of my vices may have varied but the the nature of the vices have remained quite similar. I'm not a transparent being and I would ideally recommend some amount of discretion always in everything - so not ready to delve into the details of the vices per se! Nevertheless, I'm fighting my way through these vices and I have no intentions of growing old with them. Must get rid of them - and rid I will.
Blogging can be a cathartic experience, I realize. Acknowledging and admitting certain thoughts to one's own self can be a rather unique and liberating encounter. It may not happen even in an intimate one to one conversation. As for me, written words give a power and confidence that nothing else can render. Well, I'm not a bad conversationalist, either - just in case anyone tends to attribute the preference for the written medium to the inefficacy of my oral skills!! :-)
Even to the closest of my friends the blog-side of me may come in as a surprise - and, therein lies the thrill of this flirtation with the virtual world!
--Virtually Yours
Blogging can be a cathartic experience, I realize. Acknowledging and admitting certain thoughts to one's own self can be a rather unique and liberating encounter. It may not happen even in an intimate one to one conversation. As for me, written words give a power and confidence that nothing else can render. Well, I'm not a bad conversationalist, either - just in case anyone tends to attribute the preference for the written medium to the inefficacy of my oral skills!! :-)
Even to the closest of my friends the blog-side of me may come in as a surprise - and, therein lies the thrill of this flirtation with the virtual world!
--Virtually Yours
Monday, April 7, 2008
Thinking of them... in a BIG way!
Like all ambitious bloggers, I too started off with all noble intentions of being regular... Anyways, let's not talk about that!
Some moments of indecisiveness or some moments of absolute craziness has the potent to change our lives, if not completely toss us up on the air. Those are the moments which make sense only when they are perceived and read without the framework of our linear time. And, more often than not, those are the moments which might have given us immense pleasure, immense joy and immense contentment, though short lived. I tend to condemn those moments but then I do not deny that at times they assume the centre page of our lived history at least for a while. Those moments show us for what we are and separate the wheat from the chaff! The folly of those moments, the pleasure of those moments, the brokenness of those moments, the tears of those moments, the laughter of those moments, the disappointments of those moments, the learnings of those moments, the realizations of those moments... they last a life time, whether you want them or not. They may not always be painful but they are sure to linger on with the fragrance of nostalgia. The best of those moments are those which bring a warm smile to your face, those which you can recall without a flicker of regret.
Some say it is not healthy to dwell in the past, but is it not the past that has shaped our present, and is it not the past which has already laid the foundations for our future? Is it not the past that has outlined our dreams and gave wings to our imagination? Is it not the distant past which taught us the who and what and how and where and why and when of life? Nevertheless, I don't turn around to look at my past. But, I think, I have carried a bit of my past with me with photographic memory. There are frozen moments which I cherish and treasure. There were some moments which could only kindle hurt, regret and anger - I have allowed them to melt down and disappear into the ocean of unrecorded memoirs. Some were so frozen and hard that they required the warmth of someone else to melt it down, though gradually. Now, when I take a trip down memory lane, opening some caskets to admire those pearls, crystals and withered flowers, I do come across some stones and thorns. But I don't want to throw them off - they had made me stronger and they were God-sent. The ones who threw the stones and stuck in the thorns were just instruments in God's hands; the stones and thorns were made by my Father in Heaven, especially for me! To try, test and accept me into His fold!!
In one of my favourite movies, Before Sunrise, Julie Delpy's character says, "God is in the space between people as they try to connect". I don't buy any corny ideas about God as I am fully assured of His real presence in my creation, in my life, in my future and in my eternity. However, I find the idea of God's presence in the space between people absolutely thrilling. Seeing God's presence in these gaps would certainly make this world a better place, would certainly change our behaviour for the better.
Are my thoughts addressed to any one? Of course, there are a series of faces and situations that run through the reel of my mind with every thought that passes by... But I may not dare to address those faces or situations. They are best left alone in the blissful obscurity that makes life a charming adventure.
Yours Virtually.
Some moments of indecisiveness or some moments of absolute craziness has the potent to change our lives, if not completely toss us up on the air. Those are the moments which make sense only when they are perceived and read without the framework of our linear time. And, more often than not, those are the moments which might have given us immense pleasure, immense joy and immense contentment, though short lived. I tend to condemn those moments but then I do not deny that at times they assume the centre page of our lived history at least for a while. Those moments show us for what we are and separate the wheat from the chaff! The folly of those moments, the pleasure of those moments, the brokenness of those moments, the tears of those moments, the laughter of those moments, the disappointments of those moments, the learnings of those moments, the realizations of those moments... they last a life time, whether you want them or not. They may not always be painful but they are sure to linger on with the fragrance of nostalgia. The best of those moments are those which bring a warm smile to your face, those which you can recall without a flicker of regret.
Some say it is not healthy to dwell in the past, but is it not the past that has shaped our present, and is it not the past which has already laid the foundations for our future? Is it not the past that has outlined our dreams and gave wings to our imagination? Is it not the distant past which taught us the who and what and how and where and why and when of life? Nevertheless, I don't turn around to look at my past. But, I think, I have carried a bit of my past with me with photographic memory. There are frozen moments which I cherish and treasure. There were some moments which could only kindle hurt, regret and anger - I have allowed them to melt down and disappear into the ocean of unrecorded memoirs. Some were so frozen and hard that they required the warmth of someone else to melt it down, though gradually. Now, when I take a trip down memory lane, opening some caskets to admire those pearls, crystals and withered flowers, I do come across some stones and thorns. But I don't want to throw them off - they had made me stronger and they were God-sent. The ones who threw the stones and stuck in the thorns were just instruments in God's hands; the stones and thorns were made by my Father in Heaven, especially for me! To try, test and accept me into His fold!!
In one of my favourite movies, Before Sunrise, Julie Delpy's character says, "God is in the space between people as they try to connect". I don't buy any corny ideas about God as I am fully assured of His real presence in my creation, in my life, in my future and in my eternity. However, I find the idea of God's presence in the space between people absolutely thrilling. Seeing God's presence in these gaps would certainly make this world a better place, would certainly change our behaviour for the better.
Are my thoughts addressed to any one? Of course, there are a series of faces and situations that run through the reel of my mind with every thought that passes by... But I may not dare to address those faces or situations. They are best left alone in the blissful obscurity that makes life a charming adventure.
Yours Virtually.
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